It would appear I’m feeling creative again, which is a good thing.
Creating is one of the “doing” parts of my “being”, and it’s a part of me which has been hiding for a long time. I’ve been stuck in a downward spiral for what at times seemed forever. The whole world stormed around me, battering me from all sides and my survival seemed to depend on my pulling my senses closer, grabbing at my sanity and locking it away inside where it would be safe. Then one day the world got too much for me and I couldn’t hold on by myself anymore, I asked for help and was given it in the form of little round white smarties which I had to take religiously every day.
I knew I needed them, but I had held out for so long without asking for help and now I felt like I had to accept failure at not being able to “pull myself together”. The little white smarties didn’t stop the world from spinning, nor did they stop the storm raging around me but what they did do was give me a feeling of calm, as if I had reached the eye of the storm. After a while I no longer needed to hold on so tightly to my sanity and slowly, very slowly, started to live again, instead of simply existing.
It’s no secret that I’ve been taking my smarties for a while now at varying levels, sometimes it’s harder to ask for help than it is to carry on without it but in my case I should’ve asked earlier, I could’ve saved myself a lot of heartache and would’ve been feeling a lot better a lot sooner.
Life in general has carried on without me, all of a sudden I’m not a Mum with three toddlers anymore, I’ve got three grown up women as daughters, beautiful people in their own right. And of course, Hubby, he’s still there and really I do thank him for that (but no, you can’t quote me).
The wind still blows and it still rains occasionally, but I can see the blue sky and green fields beyond and I’m reminded that although today is here and now, there’s always a tomorrow. And if there’s not ? Then I’ll cross that bridge when I come to it after I have lived today.