Should’ve, could’ve, would’ve

          It would appear I’m feeling creative again, which is a good thing.

          Creating is one of the “doing” parts of my “being”, and it’s a part of me which has been hiding for a long time.  I’ve been stuck in a downward spiral for what at times seemed forever. The whole world stormed around me, battering me from all sides and my survival seemed to depend on my pulling my senses closer, grabbing at my sanity and locking it away inside where it would be safe. Then one day the world got too much for me and I couldn’t hold on by myself anymore, I asked for help and was given it in the form of little round white smarties which I had to take religiously every day.

          I knew I needed them, but I had held out for so long without asking for help and now I felt like I had to accept failure at not being able to “pull myself together”.  The little white smarties didn’t stop the world from spinning, nor did they stop the storm raging around me but what they did do was give me a feeling of calm, as if I had reached the eye of the storm.  After a while I no longer needed to hold on so tightly to my sanity and slowly, very slowly, started to live again, instead of simply existing.

          It’s no secret that I’ve been taking my smarties for a while now at varying levels, sometimes it’s harder to ask for help than it is to carry on without it but in my case I should’ve asked earlier, I could’ve saved myself a lot of heartache and would’ve been feeling a lot better a lot sooner.

          Life in general has carried on without me, all of a sudden I’m not a Mum with three toddlers anymore, I’ve got three grown up women as daughters, beautiful people in their own right.  And of course, Hubby, he’s still there and really I do thank him for that (but no, you can’t quote me).

          The wind still blows and it still rains occasionally, but I can see the blue sky and green fields beyond and I’m reminded that although today is here and now, there’s always a tomorrow.  And if there’s not ?  Then I’ll cross that bridge when I come to it after I have lived today.

2012-03. Weigh a pie.

11 thoughts on “Should’ve, could’ve, would’ve

  1. Been there, Hallysann, been there – but “I had to accept failure at not being able to “pull myself together”.”??? >>> never failure, my friend, NEVER EVER!!!

    I applaud your openness re your problems, you have courage, far more courage than many. I was the same, there seemed no point at all in keeping it secret, that’s for others to do.

    I wish you well my friend – take care! Adrian

    • Thanks, Hubby bought me my camera which gave me a window to catch the pretty bits of the world as it flew past and the blog gave me a filtered doorway to sneak in and out when I felt able.
      It would be nice to think that my “openness” might help someone else to ask for help sooner rather than later from an illness which can leave you practically crippled at times on the inside but which no one but your nearest and dearest can see from the outside.

  2. I was especially slow to get back to my comments this time—thankfully, not because I was in the depths but because my home technology has been misbehaving!—but so glad you shared the link to this post of yours. You are in good company: I can’t tell you how many people have responded in loving support and obvious fellow-experience over the last years as I’ve put up any posts about living with depression and anxiety. The very fact that we’re all here to share the war stories is encouraging to me. It’s astonishing how much we, whether by our own natures or because we bought into any societal critiques, are able to blame and shame ourselves for stuff utterly outside of our control rather than accept and even ask for all of the help that will better enable us to survive and thrive. Yet that’s how we go; I am so glad that many of us *do* find both the medical help we need and the community of hope that makes it all so much more survivable.

    I commend you, and wish you all the joy that you can handle in your life!


    • “The very fact that we’re all here to share the war stories is encouraging to me”… very well put, I couldn’t agree more. Thanks. 🙂
      As spring arrives here I find my mood and spirit lifting slightly, but my thoughts stray to those I know who are still struggling with their own winter inside and hope that our survival gives them some hope for their spring too, sometimes just a hint of spring can keep you going through winter, even a seemingly never ending one.

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