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Not yet the end

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          This week I missed Alice,  I missed the smell of rabbit fur, have you ever buried your face in thick rabbit fur after said rabbit has been sitting in the rain.  It is the most wonderful smell ever, better even than warm chocolate cake.

          We have spent the past week waiting for bad news, the knowing of the news, although easier to bear than the not knowing, has not lessened the feeling of helplessness as we wait for circumstances beyond our control to make decisions to which we are unable to contribute.

          My spirits need to remain high, I need to call on the ability to hold on tightly inside and laugh and joke on the outside because that is what is needed of me and that is what I can do.

          I’ve been watching uplifting TV, one film, The Best Marigold Hotel, has one phrase in particular which I cling to.

          “Everything will be alright in the end, and if it is not alright,  then it is not yet the end.”

          The last hour while I waited for news, I really needed to hug Alice tightly, to burry my face in her damp fur, but Alice isn’t here, instead I picked up Pollyanna.  She coiled onto my lap and looked up at me through pre-shed glazed eyes.

           Whoever said you can’t cuddle a snake hasn’t met Pollyanna.

Matted dandelion

2015-04. Matted dandelion.

          It never ceases to amaze me how fickle emotions can be.

          If you had told me a year ago that I would be sorry to see this little yellow flower go, I would have said you were off your trolley.

          You may remember the “Rabbitt” era in my back garden, followed closely by “Alice” and her later companion, “Pepper“. This happy, fluffy time in my garden ended when Alice died abruptly and Pepper pined so much that he was in danger of following too and was rehomed with Middle Daughter’s rabbits.

          At first I didn’t go into the rabbitless  garden,  with no rabbits to trim it for me the grass grew to an unruly length and the weeds thrived.  Dandelions, delicacies of a past era which before were eaten with relish,  grew tall and stared at me through the kitchen window.

          Hubby bought a new set of garden furniture designed to entice me back into the jungle out-back and I did eventually remove the rabbit protection from around the few surviving plants and I mowed the lawn, wincing at the number of weeds which had stolen in.

          Then winter set in and the garden was abandoned again.

          Spring brought with it a new sense of.. well, spring I guess, I started pottering around in the little flowerbeds,  I cut the grass again and pulled at the weeds growing around the patio.  This one little weed didn’t give in easily and I found myself quite literally brushing it under the mat.

          The mat was way past its best by now and really needed to be replaced but instead I watched the little weed struggle back up through a new hole and share a happy yellow flower

          A wedding loomed and visitors would be arriving, Hubby, the sensible one, decided they had to go, the mat and the weed, and he dumped both unceremoniously into the wheelie bin.

           More from before : Goings on in “my garden“.

For Alice

12. For Alice.

          This is more or less where I was standing when I heard the sad news that Alice was finally no more.  My feet were wandering through a park where I had spent many a happy childhood hour heading towards the beach, my hands were snapping away with the camera while my eyes tried to find something cheerful to look at.  Eldest Daughter and Little Sister had walked on ahead to give me a few moments quiet time with the news I received by phone, unable to reach out and hold Alice for just one last time.  I looked around for something to hold her memory with a happier thought at a later date and somehow the camera took this picture on its own.

          I’ve another visit to see Little Sister this weekend and I might, or might not re-visit the park this time, but when I finally do this will be Alice’s spot and I’ll remember the happy times with a smile.

          This one’s for “Alice“.