Another Blip

          Step away from your reality for a moment and take a peek into mine.

          Mine is a slower world than most, where happy thoughts mean a great deal. If the little things make you smile, then the big things Don’t seem to matter so much.

          Now imagine that about 30 years ago we were on the starship Enterprise and we encountered a power surge. Imagine there was some sort of power overload and one of the main routes from the engine room to the bridge became unstable. The chief of engineering, Geordi La Forge, needed to re-route the power in a different direction through a smaller cable so that Captain Jean-luc Picard was able to instruct the bridge to engage the engines and carry on with the mission.

          It seems as though for the last thirty or so years, the main power route in my brain has been replaced by a subsidiary route, one which wasn’t originally made to hold such power and so it overloads, blows a fuse, and Geordi has to be called back in to re-route everything again.

          The first few times this happened, it was really scary, but it’s not scary as such anymore, it’s amazing what you can get used to. It’s upsetting, frustrating even at times, when one day I can do something like listening to music in a busy room for instance, and the next day I can’t concentrate enough on the voice of a person in front of me to hold a conversation because other people are talking next to me.

          But it passes. And then I have to get used to another new me. I’m not as different to myself as I was 30 years ago when I simply “wasn’t there“, but things that I would normally take for granted need thinking about for a while until I am again comfortable in the skin I’m in.

          Another way to look at it is I’ve had my cookies deleted, I’m a great fan of cookies, I can’t eat chocolate, but if you find good cookies without chocolate in them, then don’t hold me back. My favourite coffee shop has brought back its gingerbread range for Christmas, with the added selection of a gingerbread cookie … Truly scrumptious … Don’t take my word for it, try it for yourself … And pick up one for me too.

          However, you’ve probably guessed I’m not on about that sort of cookies (what a sad world it would be if they were deleted) I’m on about the cookies in my computer. The little crumbs dropped by different programs and applications as they pass by to make the route easier and quicker to find next time. Every now and again the computer gets a good clear out to make it work better, and these cookies are deleted. They don’t stop the computer from working, they free up some memory space and get rid of some of the junk you haven’t used in a while. However the first time you do something after the clean up, it takes longer as you have to put more cookies in place. As is with my marbles, everything takes a lot longer to do for the first time again. Something as simple as opening the front door, something you’ve done thousands of times before … In the rain … With your hands full of bags … Without a seconds thought …

          This time, you have to stop at the door and decide to open it. Then take your key and insert it into the keyhole. Next you turn your key and take it back out before pressing the door handle down and opening the door. Then you have to remember to close the door after you before moving onto the next task.

          It’s OK, it’s not all doom and gloom. And this is me, so as always I try and find the bright side.

          Imagine you are a child, and I am way into my second childhood here so this is quite easy for me, imagine you are in a child’s world where you see everything anew, where reds are redder and greens are greener. Where everywhere you look you see fascinating things which you hadn’t even noticed before.

          After a blip, my world moves even slower than normal, but it only takes a few days (and a lot of people’s patience) for my world to regain its level of normality. In the meantime, I wander around wide-eyed absorbing the brighter colours and new things Ive seen many times before, but just haven’t notice.

          The picture? …

          A couple of days ago I was sitting around the kitchen table crafting with a few friends, and although I couldnt concentrate on my crafting, the conversation, or even making coffee, my fingers pulled this out of the back of beyond in the little grey cells and I made a bird out of paper strips as I’d learned in school.

This entry was posted on November 5, 2021, in Me. 7 Comments

The letter ‘D’

          ‘D’ is for ….

          ‘D’ is for Depression, and Downward spiral . For the self-Distruction of everything you hold Dear until life itself is not worth Doing.

          ‘D’ is for the Doubt that leaves you feeling you’re of no use to anyone, for the Desire to hide from any situation, and the feeling you have to apologise for everything again and again.

          ‘D’ is for the Dependable few who stick around, who help to keep your life ticking over while you are not capable, for the ones who look out for the slightest sign of a call for help and have their hands ready to pull you out of the Descent.

          ‘D’ is for the Doctor, and the increased Dependency on happy pills just to function on a par with normality.

          ‘D’ is for the Deterioration in mental capacity, for the Difference between the person you used to be and the person you are now.

          ‘D’ is still for the Doctor, and for her Determination not to just assume one of “those women” at “that age” is over-reacting again, and for her Decisiveness to Do more tests.

          ‘D’ is for the Discovery that there might be something physically wrong after all, and for the possibility it can be Dealt with …

          ‘D’ is the vitamin, the one made by sunshine on the skin, the one which helps to make the happy chemicals in your body.

          ‘D’ is for Diet, mine of course is Dire, and always has been.

          But ‘D’ is also for ginger person skin and migraines which cause a person to cover up and hide from the sun. (and for poetic licence which allows this paragraph to pretend it began with the letter ‘D’) .

          ‘D’ is for Deficiency, and the Discovery that a vitamin D Deficiency can cause just as much chaos in the body and mind as the hormones can.

          ‘D’ is for the giant Dose of Vitamin D supplements…

          ‘D’ is for the Difference, small and hardly noticeable at first but Definitely there.

          ‘D’ is for not having to live from Day to Day anymore, and for being able to see into the Distance.

          ‘D’ is for Doing the little things again, Doing the things most people Do without thinking.

          ‘D’ is for the hope that vitamin D will treat the cause of the Depression and not just the symptoms.

          ‘D’ is for the Decision to increase the vitamins, and to eventually try to Decrease the happy pills again, maybe when the Daffodils come out next spring.

          ‘D’ is for Daring to climb a tree, and remembering that if the little things make you happy then the big things Don’t really matter.

Hat to match

          The recent spell of cold weather gave me a reason, rather than just an excuse, to buy a new hat.

          I snapped a picture of it in the mirror to show the girls and inadvertently made one of those infinity pictures, a picture inside a picture, inside a picture … inside… You get the general idea.

          Life is a bit like that at the moment. It goes on all around you, but you do the same things day in, day out, locked down into your own little bubble for infinity. And yet… Has it really been a year already since covid first reared it’s ugly head ?

          I have often commented on how time moves so much faster as I’ve gotten older. I remember my “Nana” telling me that for every year you have been alive, someone steals a day off the end of the year you are living and that’s why the years pass so much more quickly as you get older. Eldest Daughter shared a theory … She said that when you are young you are constantly learning new things and your brain notices everything. As you grow older, you don’t do so many new things, you do things the same, the same routine before work in the morning, the same commute home each evening, and your brain doesn’t have to remember these things over and over again so it forgets them. All these little repeated things are forgotten and the more repeats you do, the more time is forgotten, as you get older still, you don’t do much that you haven’t done a thousand times before and that’s why by then your years seem so much shorter.

          If this is the case, then the answer to slowing down time is to use it memorably… I’ll let you know how I get on with that.

          The hat is “to match” the coat, of course. I love things which match. My girls often put their hands to their heads when I show them old photos… Did I really dress them like that ? Well yes, of course I did. It was the late 80’s and I had three pretty little girls.. What else was I going to do.

          To be fair, it could have been a lot worse, I could have dressed them all identically, but instead I dressed them to match. One day they would all wear pretty dresses and frilly socks, and another they would all wear leggings and t-shirts… Never identical, but always matching. ….

          I’m rubbish at shopping for clothes, my taste doesn’t quite fit in with the high street fashion so it takes me ages to find that “Perfect something” when I need it. I used to just wear the same clothes over and over again until they had been worn and washed so many times that they quite literally fell apart. Eventually there comes a point when you quite literally have nothing to wear and you have to find something to buy. I love to browse, and window shop, but “having” to shop isn’t at all enjoyable, however, it has taught me to buy clothes that I like when I see them and not wait until I need them, unfortunately my increase in clothes size completely took all the enjoyment away from any clothes shopping, and when my warm coat gave up on me, I refused to buy a new one with a higher number on the label. The cold winter this year meant I froze without a warm coat and finally gave in, I bought a coat I didn’t like simply because it was there, and in a sale and I needed it. The coat served its purpose, but made me unhappy while I was wearing it. There is enough grumpiness in the world, and I realised that if something as simple as not liking the coat I was wearing was making me feel so grumpy, and I had the means within my grasp to fix it, then that is what I should do. Even if it meant wearing one with a higher number on the label.

          Wearing clothes that you’re comfortable with can completely make or break the occasion. For instance, give a girl “The right shoes” and she can rule the world, but putting the wrong top on that same girl of a morning whilst on holiday can be worth every second’s delay of going back to the hotel to change… As Hubby has discovered on many an occasion, even to the point of getting the suitcase out of the boot after we had checked out of our hotel and were about to meet Eldest Daughter in the IKEA carpark in Southampton. …..

          The high street hasn’t been very accessible during the last year and online shopping has taken off big time. Whereas before I knew which particular shop fitted me best, I now have a few favourite online shops I return to. I’ve become quite practiced at using the provided size charts and reading the detailed description of an item as I imagine the size and materials and take the information into a virtual changing room in my head. I’m also getting pretty good at organising returns if my virtual changing room has let me down.

          One of my more recent purchases turned out to be not quite as expected, they’re brighter and just a little more “Me” than I would usually dare to wear… But they do match my hat and coat perfectly.

This entry was posted on February 17, 2021, in Me. 2 Comments