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The letter ‘D’

          ‘D’ is for ….

          ‘D’ is for Depression, and Downward spiral . For the self-Distruction of everything you hold Dear until life itself is not worth Doing.

          ‘D’ is for the Doubt that leaves you feeling you’re of no use to anyone, for the Desire to hide from any situation, and the feeling you have to apologise for everything again and again.

          ‘D’ is for the Dependable few who stick around, who help to keep your life ticking over while you are not capable, for the ones who look out for the slightest sign of a call for help and have their hands ready to pull you out of the Descent.

          ‘D’ is for the Doctor, and the increased Dependency on happy pills just to function on a par with normality.

          ‘D’ is for the Deterioration in mental capacity, for the Difference between the person you used to be and the person you are now.

          ‘D’ is still for the Doctor, and for her Determination not to just assume one of “those women” at “that age” is over-reacting again, and for her Decisiveness to Do more tests.

          ‘D’ is for the Discovery that there might be something physically wrong after all, and for the possibility it can be Dealt with …

          ‘D’ is the vitamin, the one made by sunshine on the skin, the one which helps to make the happy chemicals in your body.

          ‘D’ is for Diet, mine of course is Dire, and always has been.

          But ‘D’ is also for ginger person skin and migraines which cause a person to cover up and hide from the sun. (and for poetic licence which allows this paragraph to pretend it began with the letter ‘D’) .

          ‘D’ is for Deficiency, and the Discovery that a vitamin D Deficiency can cause just as much chaos in the body and mind as the hormones can.

          ‘D’ is for the giant Dose of Vitamin D supplements…

          ‘D’ is for the Difference, small and hardly noticeable at first but Definitely there.

          ‘D’ is for not having to live from Day to Day anymore, and for being able to see into the Distance.

          ‘D’ is for Doing the little things again, Doing the things most people Do without thinking.

          ‘D’ is for the hope that vitamin D will treat the cause of the Depression and not just the symptoms.

          ‘D’ is for the Decision to increase the vitamins, and to eventually try to Decrease the happy pills again, maybe when the Daffodils come out next spring.

          ‘D’ is for Daring to climb a tree, and remembering that if the little things make you happy then the big things Don’t really matter.

Hat to match

          The recent spell of cold weather gave me a reason, rather than just an excuse, to buy a new hat.

          I snapped a picture of it in the mirror to show the girls and inadvertently made one of those infinity pictures, a picture inside a picture, inside a picture … inside… You get the general idea.

          Life is a bit like that at the moment. It goes on all around you, but you do the same things day in, day out, locked down into your own little bubble for infinity. And yet… Has it really been a year already since covid first reared it’s ugly head ?

          I have often commented on how time moves so much faster as I’ve gotten older. I remember my “Nana” telling me that for every year you have been alive, someone steals a day off the end of the year you are living and that’s why the years pass so much more quickly as you get older. Eldest Daughter shared a theory … She said that when you are young you are constantly learning new things and your brain notices everything. As you grow older, you don’t do so many new things, you do things the same, the same routine before work in the morning, the same commute home each evening, and your brain doesn’t have to remember these things over and over again so it forgets them. All these little repeated things are forgotten and the more repeats you do, the more time is forgotten, as you get older still, you don’t do much that you haven’t done a thousand times before and that’s why by then your years seem so much shorter.

          If this is the case, then the answer to slowing down time is to use it memorably… I’ll let you know how I get on with that.

          The hat is “to match” the coat, of course. I love things which match. My girls often put their hands to their heads when I show them old photos… Did I really dress them like that ? Well yes, of course I did. It was the late 80’s and I had three pretty little girls.. What else was I going to do.

          To be fair, it could have been a lot worse, I could have dressed them all identically, but instead I dressed them to match. One day they would all wear pretty dresses and frilly socks, and another they would all wear leggings and t-shirts… Never identical, but always matching. ….

          I’m rubbish at shopping for clothes, my taste doesn’t quite fit in with the high street fashion so it takes me ages to find that “Perfect something” when I need it. I used to just wear the same clothes over and over again until they had been worn and washed so many times that they quite literally fell apart. Eventually there comes a point when you quite literally have nothing to wear and you have to find something to buy. I love to browse, and window shop, but “having” to shop isn’t at all enjoyable, however, it has taught me to buy clothes that I like when I see them and not wait until I need them, unfortunately my increase in clothes size completely took all the enjoyment away from any clothes shopping, and when my warm coat gave up on me, I refused to buy a new one with a higher number on the label. The cold winter this year meant I froze without a warm coat and finally gave in, I bought a coat I didn’t like simply because it was there, and in a sale and I needed it. The coat served its purpose, but made me unhappy while I was wearing it. There is enough grumpiness in the world, and I realised that if something as simple as not liking the coat I was wearing was making me feel so grumpy, and I had the means within my grasp to fix it, then that is what I should do. Even if it meant wearing one with a higher number on the label.

          Wearing clothes that you’re comfortable with can completely make or break the occasion. For instance, give a girl “The right shoes” and she can rule the world, but putting the wrong top on that same girl of a morning whilst on holiday can be worth every second’s delay of going back to the hotel to change… As Hubby has discovered on many an occasion, even to the point of getting the suitcase out of the boot after we had checked out of our hotel and were about to meet Eldest Daughter in the IKEA carpark in Southampton. …..

          The high street hasn’t been very accessible during the last year and online shopping has taken off big time. Whereas before I knew which particular shop fitted me best, I now have a few favourite online shops I return to. I’ve become quite practiced at using the provided size charts and reading the detailed description of an item as I imagine the size and materials and take the information into a virtual changing room in my head. I’m also getting pretty good at organising returns if my virtual changing room has let me down.

          One of my more recent purchases turned out to be not quite as expected, they’re brighter and just a little more “Me” than I would usually dare to wear… But they do match my hat and coat perfectly.

This entry was posted on February 17, 2021, in Me. 2 Comments

Wear a mask

          I work in retail, I pretty much always have. I’m part of that strange breed who actually likes people so front of store, with lots of customer contact usually suits me fine.

          When I go out in the world, I smile, I make people happy, I try to leave as many people as I can with happy thoughts, that’s my way of making a difference. A lot of our customers are elderly and I might be the only person they’ve spoken too all day, I smile and say good morning, even to the grumpy ones, even when they’re scowling. I know some people appreciate my cheerfulness, and I’d like to think most of the customers do, but at the moment the scary thing is, any one of them, could be carrying the weapon to kill me.

          I’ve been compared to many animals in my time… A cat – you’ll often find me asleep in the warmest spot in the house… A mouse – I scurry away from trouble (unless my girls need me… then I’m a lion)… A mischievous monkey – that goes without saying. But at the moment, I’m a bit like an ostrich ….

          I watch the news, I follow the rules, I do the best that I can to help beat the virus. But I can’t work from home so I have to go out into the world, not onto the real front line with the medics and other N. H. S. staff, but an army marches on its stomach so I go to my supermarket and I help to put the food on their plates.

          I turn up for my shift and prepare myself for work. I wash my hands and put on my mask, then I pause at the door to the shop floor, I gather my marbles, push my ostrich head back into the sand, and head for the checkouts.

          I stand behind my plastic screen, but I touch the shopping you’ve just picked up, I pack your bags, I take your money from your hands. I can’t allow myself to worry, otherwise I would be too terrified to leave the house. I have my hand sanitiser behind the counter… As do you on a trolley by the entrance. Sanitising your hands on the way into the shop is for my benefit (thank you) and on the way out its for yours.

          The wearing of a mask is now compulsory in shops (except for the excepted) so now little mousey me has to police that too. So if you can do just one thing to make my job easier today… Wear a mask …

          We’re all in this together… Things have been better, but they’ve also been an awful lot worse… We’ll ride out the storm as we always do, and when the rain stops and the sun comes out, boy will we enjoy the rainbow.

This entry was posted on January 31, 2021, in Me. 9 Comments